My name is Mark Spearman. I was born in New Jersey, and I moved to Denver, Colorado, with my mom and my brother when I was eight, around 1992. I pretty much grew up with just them. I’ve never met my father. Shortly after we moved to Colorado, my mom met my stepdad, and he was in my life from when I was about nine until he passed away when I was 23.

As for my upbringing in faith, my family wasn’t Christian. Looking back, I think my mom might’ve had some belief in God and Christ, but it was never something she taught us. We went to church a few times, but we weren’t regular churchgoers. Still, we did say our prayers, which was a small part of our routine.

My journey with faith really began when I was 13. There was this woman, Sister Betty, who made a huge impact on my life even though I never met her directly. Sister Betty was known for talking to everyone she met about Jesus, and she’d invite them to her church, bringing vanloads of people with her. My mom, who used to take the bus to work, met Sister Betty there. Sister Betty would strike up conversations with her, and eventually, my mom agreed to go to church.

It wasn’t a Catholic church or anything formal, just a small Christian church. In the Black church culture, people refer to each other as "sister" or "brother," so that’s why everyone called her Sister Betty. When my mom took us to that church, they actually asked me to sing a song. We weren’t raised Christian, but my mom had this one Christian cassette tape with music by Walter Hawkins. It was incredible, and I knew one of the songs from it.

At 13, I didn’t immediately connect with church; it was just a place to go, and nothing really clicked for me. In fact, I’d poke fun at my younger brother when he started attending, thinking he was crazy for going. But a year later, things weren’t going so well in my life. I found myself in trouble, and stuff was just going wrong. There was this guy in my neighborhood who suddenly seemed to hate me for no reason, which made me worried about getting jumped. I also had this struggle with being girl-crazy, chasing after girls all the time, which kept me distracted.

One night, I stayed out until midnight at a girl’s house, trying to get her attention. My mom wasn’t too happy about that. She confronted me when I got home, saying, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but from now on, you’re going to church every Sunday.” She wanted to straighten me out.

So, the following Sunday, I went to church, just going along with it. But then, in the middle of the service, the pastor called me up to the front. He started talking to me and saying all these things about my life—super accurately. I was shocked because he described what was going on in such detail that I thought my mom had told him everything about me. I even confronted her afterward, asking why she told him all my business. She denied telling him anything.

That moment really piqued my interest. I couldn’t shake the feeling—how did he know those things? Was it God showing him? That experience stirred something in me, so I decided to start going to church with genuine curiosity, wanting to learn more about Jesus.

I did have some confusions about Christ, though, mostly because of my grandma, who was a Jehovah’s Witness. Their beliefs were different from what I was learning about Jesus. Jehovah’s Witnesses deny the deity of Christ and don’t believe in the Holy Spirit the way Christians do. They even have their own Bible, the New World Translation, which changes certain words, especially about Jesus’ identity. Like, in John 1:1, it says, “The Word was a god” instead of “The Word was God.” Those little changes made me question things.

But after that experience with the pastor, I thought, “Whatever they’re teaching about Jesus here, it’s got to be right.” That moment was a turning point, and I was ready to embrace it.

After accepting Christ as a teenager, I had a lot of passion for my new faith. I wanted to be close to God, to pray, and to live a life that was honoring to Him. But I had no guidance on how to reconcile that desire with the struggle I had with sin, particularly around sexual desires. I often found myself in a cycle of giving into temptation, feeling guilty, praying for forgiveness, and then doing it all over again.

Back then, I didn't understand how sanctification or the work of the Holy Spirit functioned in a believer's life. I assumed that if I prayed hard enough, God would just take the temptation away. But without that happening, I felt trapped, as though I'd never overcome it. This struggle with sexual temptation—from fantasy to promiscuity, and eventually to pornography—was something I battled for about 20 years.

Part of this struggle also fueled an unrealistic search for ideal love. I married young, at 19, after getting my girlfriend pregnant. I thought marriage would be the answer, that it would fulfill me and put an end to those desires. But when it didn’t, and when I realized marriage alone couldn’t make me happy, things fell apart. Eventually, we ended up getting divorced.

There was a time when I found myself caught in a cycle of relationships that seemed doomed from the start. After my first marriage ended in divorce, I thought I could do things differently. I met another woman, and before I knew it, we were living together. I had promised myself I’d never do that again, yet there I was, crossing boundaries I once vowed to respect.

I soon realized that I wasn't just living with her; I was also cheating. It felt like I was in this whirlwind, and deep down, I knew this wasn’t the right relationship for me. I tried to break it off, but she handled it so maturely that it made me like her even more. I would go back and forth in my mind, torn between what I felt and what I thought I should do. Eventually, I convinced myself that I didn't want to waste her time—she was older, and I thought, “We get along well enough, maybe we should get married.”

So, we did. But that marriage quickly became marred by infidelity. I was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. No matter what I did or who I was with, I never felt satisfied. I would go to church during this time, trying my best to be good, but I was stuck in a vicious cycle of failure. The more I tried to find my way, the deeper I fell into a pit of confusion and despair.

After my second divorce, I went on a rampage, both in my personal life and my faith. I was dating someone new, but I was still cheating on her, perpetuating the cycle of brokenness. At this point, I had three sons—two from my second marriage and one from the first. I was juggling relationships, and I even started bringing my kids around to different girlfriends’ houses, which I knew was not the right thing to do. I found myself contemplating whether it was a good idea to introduce them to the latest woman in my life.

One night, while sitting in my car, I experienced a moment of clarity. It was like a voice from the Lord spoke to me, reminding me that my life was a mess because I had chosen to go my own way. As I reflected on my journey from the time I was 14, I realized the depth of my struggles and how far I had strayed. I had an epiphany, realizing that just because I felt something didn’t mean I had to act on it. I could say no. So, I surrendered my life to God, determined to change.

But I wasn't perfect. Shortly after my epiphany, I ended up back at my girlfriend's house and made the same mistakes. I realized I couldn't keep spending the night, so I decided to end that relationship.

Then, I reconnected with my ex-girlfriend, who is now my wife. I had found a church, and I started attending regularly, getting involved with the worship team and the choir. I was on the straight and narrow for about ten months. During that time, my relationship with my wife grew stronger, and we got engaged in July 2017.

Despite maintaining sexual purity, I was white-knuckling my way through it. Just a week before our wedding, I had a fight with my ex-wife about my kids. Angry and upset, I stumbled and fell back into old habits. This led to a year-long affair with one of my exes, which began just before my wedding.

My wife has been incredibly forgiving through all of this. Before we got married, her mother warned her about my issues, calling me a narcissist and a sex addict. At that moment, I felt high and mighty, thinking I had overcome my past. But later, I started questioning why I was labeled a narcissist.

I researched and discovered that dishonesty was one of the signs of narcissism. I didn't want to be dishonest anymore, so I resolved to be completely open with my wife moving forward. If she asked me anything, I would answer honestly and give her the complete picture.

One day, she received a message on Facebook from my ex's boyfriend, who accused me of trying to steal his girlfriend. It was a confusing moment for her. I had noticed that message but hadn’t deleted it.

When my wife confronted me, I knew it was time to come clean. That conversation was tough. I was 33, and the weight of my choices bore down on me, but I could see God working in my life. Recently, I’d started leading worship at church, and one Sunday, the pastor shared a message about sacrifice. It got me thinking about what I needed to give up. The following day, my wife asked about that message from my ex, and it felt like God was giving me another chance.

After I revealed my infidelity, my wife and I had to talk to the worship pastor and ultimately to our main pastor. I shared my history and the struggles I was facing. He helped me understand the roots of infidelity in relationships and reassured me that while my struggles weren’t justified, there were reasons behind them that could be addressed.

He encouraged me to attend a recovery group for sexual addiction, and during my first meeting, everything clicked. I recognized the depths of my struggle, but it was also a turning point. While I initially sought a program that aligned with my faith, I found that the act of recovery opened the Scriptures to me in ways I had never experienced before. The insights I gained from that journey allowed me to truly understand the Bible, leading me deeper into a relationship with God.

Reflecting on my journey, I see how God orchestrated every step, even when I was living in darkness. I believe that my struggles were not in vain but were part of a greater plan to draw me closer to Him. The church I found felt like home, and it was where I began to understand my calling more clearly.

Now, I find immense joy in my life, far removed from the destructive patterns that once defined me. I remember the pastor discussing common struggles men face with pornography, and I can confidently say that I no longer consume it at all. This transformation is nothing short of a miracle.

My story, with all its brokenness and redemption, serves a purpose. I share it to encourage others who might be battling their own addictions, showing them that healing and hope are possible through faith. If I can be forgiven much, then I can love much, and I want to share that love with others.

God is good. He keeps me grounded. When I find myself struggling, I remember to fill my life with the Word of God. It's crucial to avoid looking to the world for fulfillment because it can never fill that void. I try to stay away from social media and media in general. There's just so much volatility out there that I feel disconnected from the world and, more importantly, from God.

Instead, my biggest focus is reading my Bible. That's where I truly feel connected to Him. I often read at home on my couch, but as a truck driver by trade, I find myself with a lot of time alone on the road. It's a lonely job, and the temptation is always to fill that time with entertainment—podcasts, novels, and other distractions.

But I'm a sensitive person, and I realize that these things can lead me to excess. It’s not necessarily about the content itself; it's about the amount of time I spend engaging with them. I need to be careful to avoid that excess, so I consciously choose to stay away from them.

On a daily basis, I spend about an hour or two in the Word. My process can vary depending on my prayer life. Recently, I’ve been reading the Epistles because my prayers have been focused on sharing the gospel and learning more about doctrine.

I often start my mornings with the proverb that corresponds to the day of the month—there are 31 Proverbs, so it fits perfectly.

I remember the day I decided to take on the challenge of reading the entire Bible in 30 days. I call it my “Bible shred.” It was intense—about 40 chapters a day. My wife was incredibly supportive, allowing me the time to dive deep into scripture without distractions. That month, I immersed myself in God’s word, and while I didn’t retain every detail, reading it cover to cover gave me a significant context. It connected stories and ideas that I might have missed if I had read it in smaller chunks.

I read straight through, and even though it wasn’t a chronological read, I found it profoundly enriching. Romans was a highlight—I tackled all 16 chapters in just three days! The more I read, the more I appreciated translations that resonate with me, like the ESV. I’ve tried others, like the Message Bible, but I found they didn’t connect as well.

As I reflect on my journey, I want to share the gospel moving forward, my aim is to give hope to those who have faced struggles similar to mine. I want people to know that God sees them and that there is hope for change. For a long time, I misunderstood grace, thinking it meant that God would overlook my flaws and sins. But grace is so much stronger than that; it empowers us to walk in the Spirit and resist the temptations of the flesh.

I want to encourage others to reject the lies that tell them they can’t change, that they’re stuck in their sins. My story is proof that transformation is possible, and I hope to inspire others to embrace that truth.

As for my wife, she has been an immense part of my journey. I admire her strength and forgiveness. It’s incredible how God has worked in her heart to help her move past the hurt I caused. There were definitely tough conversations between us, and I appreciate that she stood by me through it all.